Japan Tobacco

This is from a series of ads promoting polite smoking in Japan. Thank you, JT, for letting me know just how rude I really am. Not only did I smoke like a chimney for most of my time in Tokyo, but I don't think I've ever once looked behind me before creating a brown cloud. Or in this case, green polka dots. Even Japanese farts are cute.

Bjorn Turoque has a posse

Meet Bjorn Turoque, the 2nd best Air Guitar champion in the US of A. It makes sense that if there's competitive poker, competitive spelling bees, competitive rock-paper-scissors, then there also has to be competitive air guitar. And really, which one of those sounds the most entertaining? Fuck yeah, it's air guitar.
Bjorn is also the creator of Aireoke, giving both karaoke and videoke a run for their money, and there is mention of air groupies on his website. Somehow I'm both terrified and intrigued...

Rodeoboy

I just got word that some friends in Japan bought this. It's the Rodeoboy, the latest in Japanese fitness equipment. Considering that these are the same friends that bought a russian-roulette-style electric shock game, I'm not sure if I should try it out. The shock game was a circular contraption a group of people would all put one finger into, as it randomly chose one person to shock the fuck out of. If the shock wasn't strong enough, it also provided metal finger cuffs (decorated with lightning bolts) for you to enhance your playing time. The Rodeoboy looks a little less threatening to me. More like a vibrating trashcan. How bad could that be?

You Can't Help What You Dream, Right?

I am severely disturbed. I woke up Sunday morning after having a way too friendly dream featuring...... Jeff "Skunk" Baxter of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers. If I take this to the next (pretzel) logical level, and have a dream about Michael McDonald, I swear to god I will kill myself.

Caddyshack 2006

Okay, just to let everyone know how sad my life has become, I waged war on a squirrel last night. I've seen this squirrel around my apartment ever since I've moved in. He's everywhere. But ever since I've gotten my dog Abby back from my folks, this squirrel has exhibited some pretty nasty behavior: he has decided that my balcony is his personal sun porch. This wouldn't be a problem at all except that it leaves Abby trapped in my apartment, behind a sliding glass door while this squirrel taunts her. He walks right up to the glass in front of her which makes my dog whimper, snort, and generally panic. So last night, in the spirit of Carl Spackler, I decided that "the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang," and I chased that squirrel around the apartment building with a waterbottle and squirted the thing. I don't want to kill the squirrel, I just want to send him a message. It truly was Caddyshack night at my house. I would squirt the water around a corner, and the squirrel would escape only to poke his head around the corner a few times to let me know I didn't get him. That fucker! If the tauntings of this squirrel don't drive me crazy over the next week, then surely the Kenny Loggins going through my head while I chase him will.

Kung Fu. Not Good For You.

Have I mentioned that I'm really into a few songs by Thee Headcoatees? Along with dreaming of singing them for karaoke, I also had this other idea that their song, "Jackie Chan Does Kung Fu" could be the theme song for a new tv show: Anyone who is from the Dallas area remembers growing up and watching Kung Fu on Channel 39. (They talk about it a bit in that movie Office Space.) All day long Saturdays and Sundays it was non-stop Kung Fu. Nowadays it's hard to find that kind of high-quality weekend entertainment on free tv. So I was thinking about making my own show. A nice kung-fu show that could highlight some of the lesser-known-but-yet-totally-badass kung fu movies. Like Shaolin Chamber of Death. And it could kinda have a sort of Elvira-ish or MST3K kind of vibe with a bit of vareity, chit-chat, or guest kung fu-ers. Don't you think it makes total sense to mix a kind of low-rent, gothy, late-nite horrorshow kind of theme with blood-spurting old 70's Jackie Chan movies? That right there is money in the bank.

Two Men Enter! One Man Leaves!

Thanks are in order again, this time to Jason for inviting me out to meet his friends for a night on the town in Houston. Dammit, the more cool places I see in this town, the more I like it here. Too bad I'm leaving in a few weeks.
And there are special thanks to Richard for bringing up the subject that will plague my mind for weeks: Videoke. This is just like karaoke, but with clips of movies and no singing. I can see this going either way... I can picture it kinda like high school, with people in your AP English class who stayed up a little too late to watch Monty Python on Sunday night and now won't stop talking about Spam or Lumberjacks. But I can also see it being pretty cool too.
Richard and I were trying to come up with good scenes (I think he was disappointed when I brought up West Side Story and dance-fighting). Richard's contributions were Buckaroo Banzai and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Fuck Yeah! Anything I could possibly suggest after that would pale in comparison to a greased-up Mel Gibson and a blonde Tina Turner. So far this morning, I've thought of maybe something from Death to Smoochy or Lady Snowblood, the best kung-fu mafia-princess flick ever.

My I'm-an-Asshole Social Commentary

And I don't mean the bumbling idiot kind of asshole; I mean the conniving, bitchy-girl kind. Because I am about to kill off my first potential webfriendship. The only proof I have that someone besides Bob is reading!!! Yesterday I wrote about Phil Collins being the Antichrist. Just after I wrote that entry, I received a comment from a Stacey, saying, "I don't know why, but there is just something magical about Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel. I like them more now that I'm in my twenties than I did when I was younger." Immediately I am suspect. Unless this Stacey is talking about the dark magic that all members of the band Genesis possess, we are definitely coming from different places on this issue.
So then I checked out Stacey's profile, and her blog. Interesting...kind of nice...she is in love with an older man...she is asking people for $3 each until she collects a million to support her dream of spending every second of her time with this man. She's even writing thank you notes. Ambitious. Kind of like that guy who traded up on the red paper clip. For anyone who is interested, definitely check out her blog. It is full of rampant optimism and sweepstakes winnings.
And therein lies the problem: this rampant optimism. Even though there are seemingly kind people donating to Stacey, and everyone is leaving comments applauding this great love story, these soulmates, I'm just not buying the idea that receiving donations so you can spend every waking second with your soulmate will ultimately equal happiness. What about responsibility? What about making some kind of contribution to the world? What about doing something with your life other that sitting back and letting other people pay your way? It's true, $3 is a small contribution that anyone could make. But why would anyone donate to this cause instead of UNICEF or helping out someone in Indonesia after the bazillion earthquakes it had this year? Stacey mentions on her site that she has written letters to a handful of billionaires, including Bill Gates, telling them about her dream. But here's the thing Stacey, Bill Gates is using his money to try to end malaria and AIDS. As far as I know, he's not just handing it out to freeloaders.
Am I being too judgemental of Stacey? Probably. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably not too open to the idea of soulmates right now. And the fact that she finds Phil Collins magical didn't exactly start our friendship off in the right direction either. Who knows, maybe someone will check out her blog, and donate enough money to Stacey to make all her dreams come true. It'd be nice. But for me, I'd rather make myself a pauper giving everything to help people who need it than get ripped off by some folks asking for a few bucks so they can do nothing with the rest of their lives.

Phil Collins is the Antichrist

It's not enough that I was tortured throughout high school by a Genesis both with and without Peter Gabriel. Or that his songs have hauntingly followed me around with their overly cheerful horn sections. Dammit, "Easy Lover" was just foreshadowing the impending doom: (s)he'll take your heart but you won't feel it...before you know it you'll be on your knees.

Elevator Eavesdrop

"...alls I'm sayin is that it's kinda wierd when yer boyfriend goes out and buys a $1000 machine gun. And he don't even go huntin!"

Karaoke Top 5

Okay I'll admit it. I like karaoke. A lot. Especially when I'm drunk. I first tried singing karaoke in Austin at a little Korean place off Airport with Mike and Henry. Embarassingly, there were both Malibu and Mettalica involved. After that I really didn't want to touch it, especially after being bombarded with it in Asia. It seemed to me that that was all anyone ever did in Taiwan. That and shopping. So I avoided it until one night in Tokyo. We went to an all-night place in Ikebukuro and tore it up till about 4am. It was raining and they gave us souvenir umbrellas cause we spent so much money there. After that I was hooked. I found myself practicing in the shower, trying to think up cool songs to sing in front of my friends and be stupid. And it's even worse now that I have a car. My car has always been by little sanctuary away from everyone. I always sang in my car. But now, it is my practice room for karaoke (even though no one may ever be able to tell I practice.) So here they are, my top 5 lists for karaoke:

Top 5 Most Embarassing Songs I have Sung for Karaoke:
5. "Mamma Mia" by ABBA ~ sung with dance moves with coworkers.
4. "You're the One that I Want" from the Grease Soundtrack ~ it is impossible to sing this well after 3 mini-bottles of sake, and by yourself.
3. "Okie from Muskogee" by Merle Haggard ~ country music is lost on the Japanese.
2. "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles ~ sung in a fake robotic voice.
1. "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger ~ sung in a duet with Chris Deaner.

Top 5 Songs I Dream of Singing for Karaoke:
5. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
4. The theme song from "Time Bokan" ~ the beginning AND ending theme are badass!
3. "Swamp" by the Talking Heads
2. "My Boyfriend's Learning Karate" by the Headcoatees
1. "Stand by Your Man" by Tammy Wynette

My brush with greatness

I was just talking with Chris about our rockstar friends in Tokyo. They've got this band Seagulls Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her, and they totally rock. Nao, the girl on the left used to live in my neighborhood, and she and her husband are really nice. I was introduced to them just after I got to Tokyo when Chris came to visit. Nao was really friendly, and totally floored me when she told me about touring with the John Spencer Blues Explosion. I felt so effin cool!!! Here I was one degree away from John Spencer! I imagined me hanging out in the limelight, having beer and sake with other rockstars in Japan. It was like a dream come true, until I ruined it.
I went to Taiwan that spring for Spring Scream. Right in the middle of the SARS scare. I don't remember big chunks of that Spring Scream, but I do know that I slept on a sidewalk. Damn! When I got back I suddenly got really really sick. I felt kinda tired, and then as I went to sleep, I started shaking uncontrollably and all my muscles hurt. T. called up our massuese friend, who told him to spray me down with cold water. I felt like an elephant at the circus. I got to sleep, but couldn't go to work the next day, my birthday, because I still felt a lot of pain in my muscles. Kris and Aaron called me to wish me a happy birthday that morning. I was so excited I started to feel a lot better. So T. went shopping to get ready for a birthday party we had planned, and was gone all day. Then the sickness came back, and I knew I had to go see a doctor. I didn't know anyone in Tokyo, and all of T.'s bandmates weren't answering their phones. So I did what I had to do, I called up my new friend Nao, and embarrassingly asked her to help me go to the doctor. She was not too happy. It was a Saturday, the first day of the year it wasn't freezing outside, and she had to translate for some foreign chick who probably had a cold. I remember putting on clothes was so hard. Fuck wearing a bra. I walked about 10 minutes to the doctor's office where Nao met me and got really worried because I looked really bad. We went in there and I had a temperature of 39 or so (think about 104) and they rushed me into the doctor. I tried my best in shitty Japanese to talk with the doctor, but poor Nao had to do a lot of translating. Then I head her say something like "...well, they don't really do that in America," and I got really nervous. Nao told me they would give me some medicine I wouldn't like, but it would make me feel better. Then the nurse came over, flashed a big grin, and said "We're going to give you asshole medicine!" And I got a pocketful of anal suppositories.
Even in the delirium of a 104 fever, I knew my days with the rockstars were over. Nao walked me home and even bought me some Pocari Sweat for the rest of the day. I told her I would like to thank her, when I got better I wanted to take her out for some tea or beer. But I never heard from her again for two years. Just before I left Japan, I saw her at one of the +/- shows. She was real drunk and we laughed our asses off over the asshole medicine. I made plans with Aiha, the other gal in SSKHKH to get hamburgers in Shimokitazawa, but never heard from her. I guess it just isn't meant to be for me and the rockstar elite...

The Little Jackhammer

I was just reminded my mom had a pet bunny. I had completely forgotten. It used to be my sister's bunny, and everyone in my family thought it was the cutest thing. Except me. I don't want to say I hated that bunny, but I couldn't say I loved him. First of all, I'm totally allergic to rabbits! Bubba the Bunny was my mom's third pet that made living in the same house with her miserable. All I had to do was turn seventeen (read: almost out the door) for my mom to give in to cuteness and start collecting cats and bunnies that made me a runny mess while conveniently blaming all my allergies on the evil Christmas Tree. Also, bunnies poop all over the place. And what looks like black jellybeans is fucking nasty to step in. Then there are the yawns, the licking, and the fucking. That's right. As the vet said, bunnies' strength is in their numbers. Which means that bunnies like to fuck like rockstars. And my mom's bunny had his own loveslave: a stuffed chicken doll. Let me tell you, nothing is more unsettling than hearing that cage rattle, then your mother looking over lovingly at her pet bunny going at it and saying "That's my little jackhammer..." Now that Bubba the Bunny is no longer with us, I'm trying to be a bit nicer about the whole thing. I almost enjoy this picture of a bunny yawn that made me remember the torture of Bubba in the first place. I like to imagine this bunny either almost attacking a fat person or about to bust out ACDC's "For Those About To Rock."

Ame Onna

There are a lot of Japanese folk tales that I heard while I was living there. There's the "oni," kinda like the devil but a lot cuter, the "yamamba," the old biddy who lives up on a mountain OR the kind of frankengirl who wanders around Shibuya partying all night, or the "casa kara obake," the ghost who comes from inside of an umbrella. But I truly believe that the legend of the Ame Onna might definitely apply to me. It's a girl who brings rain or bad weather, or sometimes bad luck to a situation. Now, those of you who have talked to me this year know that in Japanese astrology, this is my BIG bad luck year. Not just bad luck, BIG bad luck. But now that Houston has flooded 3 times since I've moved here, and I can't seem to drive across Texas without hitting a crazy rainstorm, I'm beginning to think that I'm Texas' answer to the Ame Onna.

Pimp Juice

Words I hate

heartland (or even homeland) ~ no, I'm not anti-American, I just hate that whole idea that if you shop at Wal-mart, you must be closer to the heart of this country

blessed ~ it just gives me this whole Oprah-Winfrey-flabby-tricep feeling lately

ramp up ~ since when do businessmen have to have cool lingo to get their job done

value-added ~ same as ramp up, but now that I'm in business (for what?) I realize that I have to beat everyone over the head with why they should want to do something, and that means telling them all the value that will come with it

precious ~ this is probably the most overused word in the South while shopping for baby clothes. or while being at a baby shower. the only way to ever use this word around me without getting a whack in the head is to combine it with a little kool and the gang and say freshious.

have no fear, I still hate all those words I used to. I haven't forgotten about moist, slacks, sausage or moustache. I'm just adding to the list.

Rejected by a toilet

Many thanks to Mike and Aaron for hanging out and getting drunk on a school night! I am totally paying for it this morning, my head is feeling like a tin can thanks to a cheap-ass bottle of sake discovered after midnight. I'm trying to put together some of the details of the evening....Mike making legislation to make women chattle....and I swear to god the toilet talked to me last night. Okay, maybe not the actual toilet, but I walked into the bathroom of the crap-ass karaoke joint I always end up going to, and got asked to leave by voices coming from the toilet. "Can't you just use the men's room?" they asked me, "We'll be here for a very very long time. Just get out of here." What?!? I got kicked out of a public bathroom for I don't know what, and was too drunk to fight about it. Right now I'm thinking it's good I don't ever leave the house here in Houston.

Thinking too much on Borat

I was checking out the trailer for the Borat movie today and it got me thinking. I remember when I first saw Borat, it made me think of T. and how he would adapt to life in America if we ever came here. It'd be exciting, and tough, but it would have been filled with these wierd discoveries within American culture. I remember how fascinated he was with one of those pretzel stands in the mall. He watched them make pretzels over and over again while I was shopping. I guess it was the same way when I was living in Japan. I was obsessed with these super-Japanese things like watching soba noodles get made. And it was all so strange to me, but for everyone there, it was normal. I had always thought that the American way of life, or even the western way of life was the standard, but it really isn't. And it was really fantastic, but really disorientating to try to explore that. I'm sure I was interested in some really fringe stuff while I was in Japan (I'm thinking about the Penis Festival, and how not one Japanese person has heard of my favorite Japanese movies.) But I have to hand it to Borat, he's got it down as far as exposing the wierdness deep within the mainstream of American culture. It's amazing he hasn't gotten his ass kicked sideways by now.

15-way Rock Paper Scissors

Seriously, what the hell has happened to sports while I was living abroad? Back in the day, I remember sports being something where we watched atheletes kick eachother's asses while us spectators drank mucho beer. But what is up with the Scripps National Spelling Bee being considered a sport? Unless those kids are throwing punches or pulling hair to get turns on the stage, I don't wanna watch it! And today, I read that the Rock Paper Scissors Championship is on tv tonight. You've got to be kidding me. You mean that full-growm adults outside of Japan actually play this game? Apparently so, and some dood figured out how to make it more exciting too. Hence this new, 15-way, version of the game. I can only think of Mary when I see the Devil, which can hurl rock, breathe fire, is immune to scissors and gun, can cast lightning, eats snakes, and can posess the human. Sounds just like Mary! But I do believe there is one crucial move missing: the Shocker.

Yarr, Genius

Okay, last night I was driving and I saw one of those combination fast food places. You know, like KFC and Pizza Hut, but this combination was one that I wouldn't really put together myself: Long John Silver's and Taco Bell. Hmmmm, for those days when you can't decide between pre-buttered lobster bites or a chalupa. So I looked at the LJS website today and found this picture. Now, when I was in Japan, there were millions of different words for fish. There were even games for little kids so they could tell the diference between tuna, snapper, and cod just by what the fish looked like. When I tried to tell my Japanese friends that in America, fish is just called fish, they all laughed at me. How could we call all those different animals, different flavors when you cook them, by the same name. Well, this picture is proof of how freaky that concept is. What is that shit?? Looks to me like the supersized version of seafood lips and assholes. If only fish had lips...