Pimp Juice

Words I hate

heartland (or even homeland) ~ no, I'm not anti-American, I just hate that whole idea that if you shop at Wal-mart, you must be closer to the heart of this country

blessed ~ it just gives me this whole Oprah-Winfrey-flabby-tricep feeling lately

ramp up ~ since when do businessmen have to have cool lingo to get their job done

value-added ~ same as ramp up, but now that I'm in business (for what?) I realize that I have to beat everyone over the head with why they should want to do something, and that means telling them all the value that will come with it

precious ~ this is probably the most overused word in the South while shopping for baby clothes. or while being at a baby shower. the only way to ever use this word around me without getting a whack in the head is to combine it with a little kool and the gang and say freshious.

have no fear, I still hate all those words I used to. I haven't forgotten about moist, slacks, sausage or moustache. I'm just adding to the list.

Rejected by a toilet

Many thanks to Mike and Aaron for hanging out and getting drunk on a school night! I am totally paying for it this morning, my head is feeling like a tin can thanks to a cheap-ass bottle of sake discovered after midnight. I'm trying to put together some of the details of the evening....Mike making legislation to make women chattle....and I swear to god the toilet talked to me last night. Okay, maybe not the actual toilet, but I walked into the bathroom of the crap-ass karaoke joint I always end up going to, and got asked to leave by voices coming from the toilet. "Can't you just use the men's room?" they asked me, "We'll be here for a very very long time. Just get out of here." What?!? I got kicked out of a public bathroom for I don't know what, and was too drunk to fight about it. Right now I'm thinking it's good I don't ever leave the house here in Houston.

Thinking too much on Borat

I was checking out the trailer for the Borat movie today and it got me thinking. I remember when I first saw Borat, it made me think of T. and how he would adapt to life in America if we ever came here. It'd be exciting, and tough, but it would have been filled with these wierd discoveries within American culture. I remember how fascinated he was with one of those pretzel stands in the mall. He watched them make pretzels over and over again while I was shopping. I guess it was the same way when I was living in Japan. I was obsessed with these super-Japanese things like watching soba noodles get made. And it was all so strange to me, but for everyone there, it was normal. I had always thought that the American way of life, or even the western way of life was the standard, but it really isn't. And it was really fantastic, but really disorientating to try to explore that. I'm sure I was interested in some really fringe stuff while I was in Japan (I'm thinking about the Penis Festival, and how not one Japanese person has heard of my favorite Japanese movies.) But I have to hand it to Borat, he's got it down as far as exposing the wierdness deep within the mainstream of American culture. It's amazing he hasn't gotten his ass kicked sideways by now.

15-way Rock Paper Scissors

Seriously, what the hell has happened to sports while I was living abroad? Back in the day, I remember sports being something where we watched atheletes kick eachother's asses while us spectators drank mucho beer. But what is up with the Scripps National Spelling Bee being considered a sport? Unless those kids are throwing punches or pulling hair to get turns on the stage, I don't wanna watch it! And today, I read that the Rock Paper Scissors Championship is on tv tonight. You've got to be kidding me. You mean that full-growm adults outside of Japan actually play this game? Apparently so, and some dood figured out how to make it more exciting too. Hence this new, 15-way, version of the game. I can only think of Mary when I see the Devil, which can hurl rock, breathe fire, is immune to scissors and gun, can cast lightning, eats snakes, and can posess the human. Sounds just like Mary! But I do believe there is one crucial move missing: the Shocker.

Yarr, Genius

Okay, last night I was driving and I saw one of those combination fast food places. You know, like KFC and Pizza Hut, but this combination was one that I wouldn't really put together myself: Long John Silver's and Taco Bell. Hmmmm, for those days when you can't decide between pre-buttered lobster bites or a chalupa. So I looked at the LJS website today and found this picture. Now, when I was in Japan, there were millions of different words for fish. There were even games for little kids so they could tell the diference between tuna, snapper, and cod just by what the fish looked like. When I tried to tell my Japanese friends that in America, fish is just called fish, they all laughed at me. How could we call all those different animals, different flavors when you cook them, by the same name. Well, this picture is proof of how freaky that concept is. What is that shit?? Looks to me like the supersized version of seafood lips and assholes. If only fish had lips...

Hey You Guys!!!!

I think I may have permanently damaged myself this weekend. Opened up some kind of pandora's box into my three year old psyche that can't be closed again. Like some kind of dumbass, I bought the Best of The Electric Company DVD, thinking how great it would be to see all those sketches that I loved as a kid. I totally raced home from the bookstore to pop it into my computer. I started with the first episode from 1971, which was pretty funny. Easy Reader, Bill Cosby settling the debate over which sound a "g" makes, they even had the word "groovy" as an example. But then I saw the monolith cartoon: on another planet, this giant monolith appears (with the 2001 music) while tiny pink aliens wonder in amazement at what it is. The monolith crumbles apart to reveal some some phonetic sound, like "oo," and the aliens all stand around saying it. I can't explain it, but that was when I knew something was about to be very very wrong. I don't know why, but I kept on watching more episodes. And I kept on seeing cartoons and sketches that I hadn't seen in almost 30 years, all with background music I only associate with porn or Pam Grier movies now. A song about fish food, another cartoon about Humpty Dumpty catching a caterpillar, even the theme song was starting to freak me out. And don't get me started on the old PBS logo. I even had a problem not singing along with one of the sing alongs. And trying to beat those kids on the screen by reading faster than they could. I haven't been able to get some of those images out of my mind since I saw them yesterday. And I've got all these Short Circus songs stuck in my head. It's like some subconscious train wreck I can't stop thinking about. And it has opened the door for me to search out other tv memories. Things that I know were fucked up, like Dr. Shrinker, Gary Gnu from the Great Space Coaster, and the Blob from Gigglesnort Hotel.

Resolved:

Michael Mulcahy has always maintained that there is something strange in the water in Arlington, Texas. Whatever it is, I grew up drinking it, and so did all my friends. Mike said that this is why we were all so fucked up. I thought this joke was pretty funny until this week, when I got a call from my friend Katy Chen while I was shopping at Kroger. She caught me buying paper towels, and asked me if I remembered a fella who was on our debate team way back when we were sophomores at Lamar High School. Sure, I kinda remembered him. Well, Katy had been checking out reunion.com and found something strange. Under his name was not just his name, but a girl's name too. Turns out that he is a woman now.

Resolved: that there was a tranny on my debate team in high school.

Now here is the question: say you see a picture of an old friend, then next to that picture there is the same person, but a different gender. What does this really tell you? Did this dood have a sex change? Is he taking hormones? Or is he just dressing up in women's clothes like so many other people I know? All I have to say is that it takes cujones of steel to have a sex change. Or even just committing to that whole process. And it takes cujones of fucking granite to put that shit up on your high school website and invite comments.

I've been looking for this person all week. I think she deserves a cocktail. Or two. Not to metion that I'd love to hear the whole transformation story. And I think Michael Mulcahy deserves an apology. Sorry Mike, you were right about all of us. Every last one of us, from our cross-dressing, to midnight tap dancing, dropping acid at the Pitt Grill, or admitting that we have seen more than one Jethro Tull concert, we've all been fucked from the start.

A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse

Tomorrow is the day we have all been waiting for. That's right, it's the end of the world, 06.06.06. There are signs of the apocalypse everywhere, from the release of that new Omen movie, to bird flu, and possibly the most disturbing of all signs, a new video proving the superhuman strength of televangelist Pat Robertson. Apparently, old boy has been hitting the organic power shakes and can now leg press 1000 lbs. An article in the New York Times even talks about a press release stating he can leg press 2000 lbs, breaking the world record. All this from an organic protein shake that Mr. Robertson has developed himself. And of course sold to GNC. But alas, you can no longer buy your Christian-approved nutritional supplements due to a mysterious discontinuation of the shakes by the chain of stores. Now, you can go to the Christian Broadcasting Network (scroll down to the Resources section) website for the recipie of shakes, protein pancakes, and antioxidants. Or just join Pat's weight loss challenge. Shed those extra pounds while accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Gay Superman!!

Now I remember why I love living in the US so much. It's the ass-backwardsness of so many things. In an attempt to get people excited over a new movie, production companies will release posters, trailers, and other tidbits of information. Sometimes so much information that it beats the general public down from a possible frenzy of excitement into a zombified submission. Now with this new Superman movie underway, the hype has gone in a new direction. As Mike would put it, it's the 47 direction. That's right, Superman looks pretty gay lately. And dammit, it's about time! Last month, DC comics dropped the bomb that Batwoman would be returning as a lesbian. Much to the delight of lesbian comic-readers and 14-year old boys. In an attempt to top that, there has been much written about how damn gay Superman looks in the new posters and trading cards. There's even one card where Superman is supposedly "going into the closet." Dood. If closeting yourself can be described as standing in front of a door, holding the handle, then I guess Superman is closeted. I think it's all wishful thinking. If Superman really wanted to out himself, he wouldn't need stupid trading cards to pussyfoot around for him. He'd just dive on into the ocean, push Tusky out of the way, and plant one right on Aquaman's pruny, waterlogged lips. Now that's some man-on-man action I'd like to see.

Taiwan Pijiu, hun hao huh?

Many people talk about the "nutritional qualities" that Taiwan Beer has. Are these any different from any other beer? Or is it part of that supposed secret ingredient of formaldehyde that people say is lurking in Taiwan Beer. I'll tell you what, this stuff gives me a fierce headache. I was lucky enough to find some while I was in Japan last year in a tiny little noodle stand around the corner from a spaced-out Grateful Dead bar outside of Tokyo. I have to admit, it did taste great with the msg-laden Taiwanese noodles I was eating. But I paid the price of having a few too many of these and some other Japanese beers, waking up with a tin can for a skull the next morning.