Out of Pocket Again

Just when I'm finished with massage classes, I'm off again.... This time it's back to Boston for my Grandma's 90th birthday, then down to NYC for a few days of fun with Mike D (and maybe the Deaners?) Then Austin, Louisiana, and back home. Holy shit, that's a lot of places to go. And a lot of driving. I'm hoping to do some serious truck stop shopping, camera in hand. Look for funny pictures to be posted later. And maybe postcards too if I know your address.

Ultimate Kazoo

At lunch a friend and I were talking about breaking the seal on farting in a relationship. His ex-girlfriend's nickname was "airhorn," and we started talking about the phobia of farting around others. So I came up with this idea to avoid farting in front of anyone while you were sleeping. (This is so you Babu.) You take a butt plug, hollow it out, and fit it with a little kazoo inside. Then you never have to worry about those little bronx cheers anymore. And you can join up with those lovely Petty Booka girls and jam with them in your sleep.

Barfy Bourdain

Yet another attempt to hang out with Steph and Mike was bamboozled by my mid-day need to barf all over everyone I saw. Thank god I maintained until I got home. (Some days I feel this way, but I'm not really all that sick. Today was different...) But in the middle of this barfiness, I got to catch up on some good Anthony Bourdain reading, and read the best quote to sum up some latent thoughts on Asia:

"They say there are sun bears in China, hooked up to kidney drips like catsup dispensers, leeching bear bile into tiny bottles. Rhino horn. Bear claw. Bird's nest. Duck embryo. You've got to be pretty anxious about your penis to contemplate hurting a cute little sun bear."

I think he's got something there.

Smell My Fingers

After the paper airplane incident, there have been a few keen text messages going back and forth between me and Tammy. She took her daughter's Barbie and a dildo and created a nice diorama. I tried for a half hour to get a nice photo with my smiling face AND nekkid ass with my cell phone, but dammit my arms weren't long enough. I settled for a photo of my friend's ass. So when we got to school on Monday, one of our fellow students, the one who needed help identifying hemmorhoids, was feeling a bit left out. She asked me to go in the bathroom with her to take a picture of her ass to send to Tammy. (Nice that I'm the ass photographer now.) Then she wsa looking for a good tagline to send along with the photo. I suggested "smell my fingers," a clever allusion to an earlier aromatherapy joke. She agreed that was good, and asked me "How do you spell 'smell'?" This joke killed at the Starbucks drive-thru window at lunch (but later bombed on the phone with Mike D).

I think ol' girl's gonna have trouble passing the GED.

Air Mail

Today I threw a paper airplane at a girl in class that had the message "You Suck" written on it. Obviously, lack of sleep is somehow correlated to my maturity levels.

She's Crafty

Check this shit out! I made a pillow with my Sewing-Pretty-With-Hello-Kitty sewing machine. It's the first thing I've made that didn't look like a total disaster since about 8th grade sewing class. Note the tassels on the corners I beaded myself. And note the nekkid lady I embroidered on there too. That's right, I'm a total badass.

Floored

So we now have radio free anthro at work, some satellite radio bullshit we are required to listen to. And honestly, there were a few shining moments today in between all the KT Tunstall crap. But I was completely floored while I was beaming and singing along to "This Must Be The Place" when a stupid 18-year-old I work with said to me "Yeah, you would like this song." Not only did she stop me from beaming, but she also reminded me that I currently work in a mall with a bunch of punkasses who have summer jobs. And bad taste in music.

My First Free Moment In Like 3 Weeks

Dood. I totally overextended myself. Between trying to kick ass at massage school, a botched attempt to get promoted at my shitty retail job (bastards!), and trying to maximize my time with Mike D, I have worn myself out. Truth is I've had a really good time doing it, but not I seem to spend all my free time napping. Ten free minutes at school? I'm curled in the fetal position on the carpet. Red light taking too long in traffic? I'm dozing off and waking up to honking horns. But with less than three weeks of classes left, I think I can manage it. Big things are on the horizon...

More Quotes from Massage School

These are a few select quotes from my new favorite classmate.

While looking at an up-close picture of a hemmorhoid (my idea of course), one girl asks what exactly we were looking at:

"Ellyse, that's your brown eye."

While discussing a region of the outer ear called the pinna, which people from Ft. Worth, Texas pronounce pee-nah:

"I'm too old to find out I've got a pee-nah. Just what exactly have I been supposed to be doing with it?"

And, while discussing a trip to the bathroom outside while chopping firewood:

"Oh the chiggers love Miss Kitty."

Come and Knock On Our Door

It's like one of those signs that you are in fact a small part of an amazingly big picture......that the world is planned out with enough free will to make you feel in control but also with a dash of destiny, because things are just supposed to work out THIS EXACT WAY. Because your new favorite teacher, the one who lets you gross everyone out in class with up-close photos of hemmorhoids from her pathology book, says she's going to bring in pictures of her aunt when you are both talking about your love of red velvet cake. You assume this aunt is some famous baker or pastry chef. But no, she is the actress who played the woman who bakes the armadillo red velvet cake in the movie "Steel Magnolias." And when you probe further, she is also the actress who played Lana on "Three's Company," your personal hero post-divorce. Sultry, breathy, dressed up with a wardrobe that made Stevie Nicks jealous, Lana was the original sexy divorcee. And while I never really understood her schtick when I was a kid, I sure as hell get it now.

GENTRIFICATION! Get used to it.

There was major fun in Austin this weekend. Turkey legs at Eeyore's Birthday, and mucho props to Richard for the catch phrase of the year. We caught up with the Flowerses and met their lovely daughter, Storey. JJ and I had an intellectual discussion on the P-mate. Colin met Violet, and the matchmaking ball got rolling on whose kids would be dating whose kids when they got older. And just in case any of you were wondering.....yes, Mike D DID get funny.

The Night of the Day that Wouldn't End

Yes, we had more tornado sirens this evening. I'm getting kinda tired of this business of going to the innermost room of the house and waiting. And tonight, as my mom and I grab flashlights and purses, the dog's leash and candles, what does my dad get? A glass of wine and some Cheetos. Further proof that he is a spy.

Can This Day Just End Please?

Yes, it is a real massage school I go to. It's just that a bunch of horny freaks are enrolled in my morning class. I'm beginning to get irritated by them, and I'm not the only one. I can't wait for Miss Kitty to rail off on them. Today was try two of massaging naked doods. During the upper leg sequence, my client, the sad sport who is the only male in the class and gets loads of attention from the strippers, mentioned that he was getting aroused. I told him to think about his grandmother, Jabba the Hut, and dead kittens, and see if that worked. Thank god his left thigh didn't make him as horny as the right one. In the afternoon we had another round of tornadoes hit our area, so we all got to crowd in one of the spa rooms while the sirens went off. This is the second time this year that tornadoes have struck within miles of where I've been, and in these bad-weather situations, I've realized that I hate being cooped up with all the worrywarts, so I tend to wander (like a dumbass). Today I tried to take a video of the torrential rain, flooding, thunder and lightning that was going on all around. I'll figure out how to post it someday. It's kinda boring due to the fact that I was just filming cars out on the highway. Until the end of the video, when a peal of thunder cracked down and a lightning bolt struck the building across the highway from me. Then I drop the camera, start giggling, and run back into the building.

Massage School Wierdos

Okay, I'm officially freaked out by one of my massage school classmates. After all the drama last week over a certain student's negative energy, I thought we had weeded out all the wierdos. Okay, all the MAJOR wierdos. Then, this one nail technician who never talks and is constantly on her cell phone started showing us all the videos she has saved on her phone. Subsequently, my day started at 9am with a video of a woman getting fucked up the ass with a baseball bat. Then a smiley face whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme song, but with a ballsac for a big brown nose and an asshole that did the whistling. I was afraid to look for the eyes. It's always the quietest people you least suspect...

God Bless You Mr. Vonnegut

I was so sad to hear that Kurt Vonnegut died this week. He pretty much invented the mindfuck for me; and I spent many a night just trying to get over what I was reading and what it meant to the world at large in discussions over coffee with Bob at the Pitt Grill. In honor of Mr. Vonnegut, I will be drawing a little asterisk on my hand Breakfast-of-Champions style.

Massage School Arithmetic

Stripper (or ex-stripper) count: 2
Girls with murdered boyfriends or fiances: 3
Former Wrestlers: 2
Girls who have discussed their clitoral piercings: 1
Reiki Masters: 1
People who have vomited in class: 1

Things Are About to Get Real Busy

Well, between a new promotion at work (which still means that I will be telling rich, fat women that their asses look great in those jeans) and starting massage therapist school, I am about to lose days off until sometime in June. Sleep will be greatly missed. But hopefully by the end of the year I will be able to have a job I enjoy and earn some much needed funds. And anyways after my last excursion out with coworkers to celebrate a birthday this week, I am fully grounded from going out. No one in America knows how to turn it up to eleven, and I'm always left blurry and lost at the end of the night. My empathy for the Cool Brothers has never been greater.

Another Top 10

Top 10 Songs I Want To Listen To After a Long Day (At Work) of Whiny, Contemplative, Vagina Rock

1. Enjoy by The Descendents
2. Disect by JSBX
3. Holiday in Cambodia by The Dead Kennedys
4. Five O'Clock World by The Vogues
5. Don't Shit Where You Eat by Ween
6. Wasted Life by Stiff Little Fingers
7. Danse Sur La Merde by Prototypes
8. My Boyfriend's Learning Karate by Thee Headcoatees
9. Ah-So by The 5.6.7.8's
10. The Fat Albert Theme

Assy Asspimple

Dammit, I thought people only got asspimples in Taiwan...

THE PARTY SUIT!

I was writing this long post about flowers (no shit) and I was looking for a picture of this cherry blossom wig I bought for my mom when I saw these costumes from Tokyu Hands, the best store in Japan. Oh yeah! It's The Party Suit! You know it's a party when someone has this suit on!