Worked My Ass Off To The Bone!

My friend in college had a dad who talked entirely in Texas euphamisms. So when it came to work he said, "Well, if it was fun, they'd have to call it something else." Damn that's depressing! And since this month seems to be dedicated to finding employment that means something to me, I thought I'd make a list of the worst jobs I've ever had. Bob will never believe the idea that some of my jobs just sucked ass. He always thought I landed the cushiest work. And I kinda did. I mean, there was the lawyer I worked for, who took me out to meet our rap star client for gin, juice, and blunts. And the retail job for a store with no customers, so I made pot brownies and ate them as breakfast. I could go on, but before you totally hate me for quitting those jobs, here's a list of some suck-ass employment:

1. Caregiver: I took a job as a nighttime caregiver for a halfway house of mentally retarded adults just after college. I thought, night, well, they'll sleep most of the time. And they did. But I also had to make these fellas breakfast and pack their lunches and get them ready for school and work. Oh, and help them get dressed and showered. These guys had issues, and regularly threw furniture around in fits of rage that their minds could just not process. They were sweet most of the time, and never complained that I always burned their pancakes (in fact, one of them started associating the sound of the smoke alarm with "mmmm, panckaes!"). But all it took was one shower involving poop that forced me to quit that place.

2. Sales: Yes, I worked as a salesman for Dell Computers. They guaranteed your salary for three months, and I knew I wouldn't last much longer than that. I got disgusted at how we were encouraged to talk people into purchasing things they didn't understand and couldn't afford. Oh, and I screwed one of my coworkers and then couldn't look him in the eye for how crappy the whole experience was. (This is a part of why I hate the word "sausage," ask me about it sometime!) I quit this job by leaving a post-it note on my boss's desk. Classy.

3. Waitress: At age 19, all the friends I knew tried to work at the same restaurant in Dallas. Taylor got the job first, then Chad and I, and Robert too? My memory's a little fuzzy on that one. We thought it would be fun, and for some reason, when the mananger called us "fatties" we thought it would be allright to smoke dope at work. It wasn't. They yelled at us and made us wear stupid denim shirts and fucking bolo ties! We all quit within days of eachother, but not before we replaced the restuarant hot sauce with habanero pepper juice. We lived the rest of the summer on taco bell and homebrewed mead. We lost a snake in a couch, made the smoke-o-nut, heard a rabbit scream, had several killer parties, oh, and I made an A in summer school.