Anybody Remember Vitamin F?

Wow. I have about five minutes to myself on the computer, which is rare nowadays. Since moving to Austin, our schedule has been pretty hectic: off to Atlanta, then back with the kiddos, then off to ACL fest, and work in between. It's all been pretty amazing! Life with Mike, the Rockstar, and Miss Thing has been completely wonderful. Something will inevitably make me laugh my ass off every day. The Rockstar told me the other day how when he farts, he imagines himself being launched off like a rocket into the air. Now I do the same thing.....

Hotlanta Synchronicity

Well, I raced down to Austin for a great reason. Mike and I went off to Atlanta (where does that Hotlanta nickname come from anyways?) for the Drive-Invasion and all things good in Atlanta. Two of the stellar Chicken Ranch bands played: Tiger Tiger and the Woggles and put on brilliant shows during two days of hot rods, jalapeno corn dogs, and b movies. Leonie, you would go mad for this thing! Tiger Tiger got us started Saturday, and ready for "The Reanimator" on the drive in screens. But here's the kicker of the weekend: the Woggles were actually a band that T and I saw back in Tokyo. It was great talking about Japan, music, and pirates with all of them during the festival, and at their Christmas video shoot in the days after. I also got to see the Mega Green Beans with their little sprout, Norah.

Moving Again!

I'm moving to Austin tomorrow, just to let everyone know. Most of you who actually read this don't live anywheres near me, so it might not matter much. Unless you all want to send me loveletters......

I should have known.....

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

*thanks to Sandy for the link*

Scared, Stupid, or Senile?

At the prospect of moving in with Mike D and his two kiddos, Miss Thing and The Rockstar, everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared. No fucking way! They are awesome! And maybe it's cause I'm totally freaking exhausted tonight (15 massages in 3 days plus moving plus entertaining Dad and the dog) I'm starting to think that maybe there's some detail I'm looking over. Should I be scared at the thought of moving in and assisting raising two badass children? Should I be afraid that The Rockstar threatened my life the first night we met (as a ploy for ice cream, no less)? Should I have nightmares over the fact that Miss Thing has openly admitted that she will taunt me when I try to play video games (even though she was very kind this week while playing Kirby)? Try as I might, I can't think of that tiny detail that should put the fear of gawd in me. I'm just counting down the days till next Wednesday or Thursday till we can all hang out again.

Hao Jo Bu Jen

Wow. Sorry to everyone for not posting for such a long time. It's been a busy summer what with all the massage classes, switching jobs, and moving back to Austin. Mike D is a total dreamboat and has asked me to move in with him, so I'm relocating back to the 512 after about six years. It's a major switch from the hermit life I've been living while squatting at my folks place. I'm so excited I'm ready to explode.
Add to that our first international visitors: Bob and Nicola. I haven't seen Bob since the wedding in Japan, and after a way too drunken night out, I'm pretty sure I professed my love for Nicola. I hope I live up to my Juni-doppelganger, but I have a feeling I won't be winning any awards in the Drunk Olympics. Other than most sloppy......(the pun is up to you)

Questionable...

Would it be wrong to donate this tee shirt to the Association of Retarded Citizens?

Out of Pocket Again

Just when I'm finished with massage classes, I'm off again.... This time it's back to Boston for my Grandma's 90th birthday, then down to NYC for a few days of fun with Mike D (and maybe the Deaners?) Then Austin, Louisiana, and back home. Holy shit, that's a lot of places to go. And a lot of driving. I'm hoping to do some serious truck stop shopping, camera in hand. Look for funny pictures to be posted later. And maybe postcards too if I know your address.

Ultimate Kazoo

At lunch a friend and I were talking about breaking the seal on farting in a relationship. His ex-girlfriend's nickname was "airhorn," and we started talking about the phobia of farting around others. So I came up with this idea to avoid farting in front of anyone while you were sleeping. (This is so you Babu.) You take a butt plug, hollow it out, and fit it with a little kazoo inside. Then you never have to worry about those little bronx cheers anymore. And you can join up with those lovely Petty Booka girls and jam with them in your sleep.

Barfy Bourdain

Yet another attempt to hang out with Steph and Mike was bamboozled by my mid-day need to barf all over everyone I saw. Thank god I maintained until I got home. (Some days I feel this way, but I'm not really all that sick. Today was different...) But in the middle of this barfiness, I got to catch up on some good Anthony Bourdain reading, and read the best quote to sum up some latent thoughts on Asia:

"They say there are sun bears in China, hooked up to kidney drips like catsup dispensers, leeching bear bile into tiny bottles. Rhino horn. Bear claw. Bird's nest. Duck embryo. You've got to be pretty anxious about your penis to contemplate hurting a cute little sun bear."

I think he's got something there.

Smell My Fingers

After the paper airplane incident, there have been a few keen text messages going back and forth between me and Tammy. She took her daughter's Barbie and a dildo and created a nice diorama. I tried for a half hour to get a nice photo with my smiling face AND nekkid ass with my cell phone, but dammit my arms weren't long enough. I settled for a photo of my friend's ass. So when we got to school on Monday, one of our fellow students, the one who needed help identifying hemmorhoids, was feeling a bit left out. She asked me to go in the bathroom with her to take a picture of her ass to send to Tammy. (Nice that I'm the ass photographer now.) Then she wsa looking for a good tagline to send along with the photo. I suggested "smell my fingers," a clever allusion to an earlier aromatherapy joke. She agreed that was good, and asked me "How do you spell 'smell'?" This joke killed at the Starbucks drive-thru window at lunch (but later bombed on the phone with Mike D).

I think ol' girl's gonna have trouble passing the GED.

Air Mail

Today I threw a paper airplane at a girl in class that had the message "You Suck" written on it. Obviously, lack of sleep is somehow correlated to my maturity levels.

She's Crafty

Check this shit out! I made a pillow with my Sewing-Pretty-With-Hello-Kitty sewing machine. It's the first thing I've made that didn't look like a total disaster since about 8th grade sewing class. Note the tassels on the corners I beaded myself. And note the nekkid lady I embroidered on there too. That's right, I'm a total badass.

Floored

So we now have radio free anthro at work, some satellite radio bullshit we are required to listen to. And honestly, there were a few shining moments today in between all the KT Tunstall crap. But I was completely floored while I was beaming and singing along to "This Must Be The Place" when a stupid 18-year-old I work with said to me "Yeah, you would like this song." Not only did she stop me from beaming, but she also reminded me that I currently work in a mall with a bunch of punkasses who have summer jobs. And bad taste in music.

My First Free Moment In Like 3 Weeks

Dood. I totally overextended myself. Between trying to kick ass at massage school, a botched attempt to get promoted at my shitty retail job (bastards!), and trying to maximize my time with Mike D, I have worn myself out. Truth is I've had a really good time doing it, but not I seem to spend all my free time napping. Ten free minutes at school? I'm curled in the fetal position on the carpet. Red light taking too long in traffic? I'm dozing off and waking up to honking horns. But with less than three weeks of classes left, I think I can manage it. Big things are on the horizon...

More Quotes from Massage School

These are a few select quotes from my new favorite classmate.

While looking at an up-close picture of a hemmorhoid (my idea of course), one girl asks what exactly we were looking at:

"Ellyse, that's your brown eye."

While discussing a region of the outer ear called the pinna, which people from Ft. Worth, Texas pronounce pee-nah:

"I'm too old to find out I've got a pee-nah. Just what exactly have I been supposed to be doing with it?"

And, while discussing a trip to the bathroom outside while chopping firewood:

"Oh the chiggers love Miss Kitty."

Come and Knock On Our Door

It's like one of those signs that you are in fact a small part of an amazingly big picture......that the world is planned out with enough free will to make you feel in control but also with a dash of destiny, because things are just supposed to work out THIS EXACT WAY. Because your new favorite teacher, the one who lets you gross everyone out in class with up-close photos of hemmorhoids from her pathology book, says she's going to bring in pictures of her aunt when you are both talking about your love of red velvet cake. You assume this aunt is some famous baker or pastry chef. But no, she is the actress who played the woman who bakes the armadillo red velvet cake in the movie "Steel Magnolias." And when you probe further, she is also the actress who played Lana on "Three's Company," your personal hero post-divorce. Sultry, breathy, dressed up with a wardrobe that made Stevie Nicks jealous, Lana was the original sexy divorcee. And while I never really understood her schtick when I was a kid, I sure as hell get it now.

GENTRIFICATION! Get used to it.

There was major fun in Austin this weekend. Turkey legs at Eeyore's Birthday, and mucho props to Richard for the catch phrase of the year. We caught up with the Flowerses and met their lovely daughter, Storey. JJ and I had an intellectual discussion on the P-mate. Colin met Violet, and the matchmaking ball got rolling on whose kids would be dating whose kids when they got older. And just in case any of you were wondering.....yes, Mike D DID get funny.

The Night of the Day that Wouldn't End

Yes, we had more tornado sirens this evening. I'm getting kinda tired of this business of going to the innermost room of the house and waiting. And tonight, as my mom and I grab flashlights and purses, the dog's leash and candles, what does my dad get? A glass of wine and some Cheetos. Further proof that he is a spy.

Can This Day Just End Please?

Yes, it is a real massage school I go to. It's just that a bunch of horny freaks are enrolled in my morning class. I'm beginning to get irritated by them, and I'm not the only one. I can't wait for Miss Kitty to rail off on them. Today was try two of massaging naked doods. During the upper leg sequence, my client, the sad sport who is the only male in the class and gets loads of attention from the strippers, mentioned that he was getting aroused. I told him to think about his grandmother, Jabba the Hut, and dead kittens, and see if that worked. Thank god his left thigh didn't make him as horny as the right one. In the afternoon we had another round of tornadoes hit our area, so we all got to crowd in one of the spa rooms while the sirens went off. This is the second time this year that tornadoes have struck within miles of where I've been, and in these bad-weather situations, I've realized that I hate being cooped up with all the worrywarts, so I tend to wander (like a dumbass). Today I tried to take a video of the torrential rain, flooding, thunder and lightning that was going on all around. I'll figure out how to post it someday. It's kinda boring due to the fact that I was just filming cars out on the highway. Until the end of the video, when a peal of thunder cracked down and a lightning bolt struck the building across the highway from me. Then I drop the camera, start giggling, and run back into the building.